Coming Down the Mountain 18

One of the first things that we learn to explore in recovery is gratitude.  We make gratitude lists, we take the time to sit down each day and write down all of the people, places and things that we are grateful for, the things that we love, and over time, we begin to appreciate our own lives and perhaps even cease to compare our lives longingly to others.  We come to understand that even the harshest events in our lives were purposeful on some level, in order that we may learn what we need to learn to become exactly who we are.  I hung out with Brad Pitt many years ago when we were on the set of a Patrick Dempsey film.  We sat in his dressing room and smoked his cigarettes; he could afford the cigarettes because he had a couple of line in the film.  He was young and raw, with a leather jacket and a motorcycle; he didn’t have much else, including cares.  He was pretty cool, but did I want his life?  Absolutely not. Look at him today, my lord.  Would I trade lives with him today?  Not in a million years.

Gregorysgardner.com

Coming Down the Mountain 16

I have the right to forgive or not to forgive.  I can base this right on many things, including whether or not I have been apologized to, how badly I feel as if I have been hurt, how wrongly my morals have been violated, etc.  Perhaps I can forgive a friend that I feel has betrayed me, but not a parent who did not know how to love the way that I saw fit. Have I forgiven the church that hid child abuse, the government that sides with corporations over the common woman and man, the lover that spurned me?  It is up to me to decide.  For me it is really about what is happening in my heart.  I have to decide if I am willing to carry around the anger, hatred and fear that goes along with unforgiveness.  If I am carrying resentment towards a person, place or thing, then I am carrying a heavy burden.  As we say in program, it is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die.  This resentment can be deadly; it can eat away at me like cancer, or cause me to go back to drinking and drugging. If I am carrying around anger is can affect my life, my work, and especially my relationships.  Never mind that fact that I may not be looking at the overall picture of the incident, and seeing my part in the affair. So I have to ask myself, is this thing really too big for me to forgive?

gregorysgardner.com

Coming Down the Mountain 16

I used to have a lot of dreams at night involving college, I was always in school, being late for classes, passing or failing tests, interacting with others.  Then it dawned on me that life was a university, filled with fellow students, teachers, lessons and tests.  That is why we are here, I came to understand, to grow and to learn.  There was always going to be something to learn, and if I chose to forgo the lesson presented to me, I would have to retake that class, again and again, until I learned the lesson and passed.  Every time that I had to go back and repeat that class, it entailed suffering.  Perhaps the lesson was to let go of the suffering itself, brought on by attachment and expectations.  There are truly horrible things that happen to us in this life, and I can’t say what exactly the lesson is for you, but just as we can become attached to an expectation or outcome, we can become attached to the suffering.  We truly do not know what God’s will for us is, yet we get down on our knees, and surrender our lives to Her will.  We give ourselves completely to His loving mercy and care.  We suffer what we must, learn the lesson, and move on.  And the lesson is always about faith, trust and love.

gregorysgardner.com

Coming Down the Mountain 15

My father would get angry; he would yell, say cruel things to my mother, and was physically abusive to my mother and myself.  I channeled that anger and was abusive towards my sister as a child.  I would hit her and could be cruel.  Perhaps I felt that he favored my sister, and I resented her for that.  I was paying the rage forward.  I know today that his behavior was his own resentments and brokenness coming out through alcohol enraged insanity.  It was the drunk, or the morning after, that would lead to so much of the abuse. As an alcoholic parent myself, I loved my family as much as I possibly could, but there were fits of anger, yelling, spanking, fighting… explosions of rage that I could not even recognize or comprehend in retrospect. I even took some anger management classes, all the while believing that my anger could be managed, even when my drinking and drug abuse could not.  Once I got sober, the anger did not go away.  I spend much of my first year of sobriety feeling all sorts of feelings, feelings that I had tried desperately to bury for so many years, and now here they were, coming up to the surface, like a wound without a scab.  I remember spending my first sober Christmas Eve alone at Damiano’s because I resented my mother and was angry at my oldest son, after getting into a shoving match with him, for wanting to go to his friend’s house, and who could blame him?  Slowly, over time, the anger began to subside.  In dealing with my father during his declining years, I dealt with the anger towards him to the best of my newfound ability in sobriety, and was there for him, sometimes, when I could manage it. I grew patience, love and understanding towards him.  When he passed, we were good. Through my daily practice of prayer, meditation and yoga, I have found a peace within myself that surpasses my understanding.  There is a joyful presence in me that is not looking through the eyes of resentment, victimhood and regret.  I have let go.  I have surrendered.  I am at peace.

gregorysgardner.com

Coming Down the Mountain 14

Anger arises out of hurt, fear and confusion.  It is heat exploding that needs to be released.  It is driven and wants to be expressed.  It is boisterous, and can be effective.  It can effectively ruin relationships if not addressed.  It can create turmoil, and clear the air.  It can grow hair.  It might never go away, or stay less than today.  It can spoil a moment for no good reason, or be seen as treason.  It may be misdirected, misused or misjudged.  Or it may just get us out of bed after lingering depression.  It may come from suppression. Most of the time it is just a lack of communication.  Have I told you that I love you today?

gregorysgardner.com

Coming Down the Mountain 13

My God speaks to me in the gentle wind.  She nurtures me, takes the time to tell me that I am wanted, needed and loved.  She asks me questions that only I can answer; because She created me, She knows what I know, and what I need to know.  She is kind and patient with me.  She follows my struggles and allows me to work them out in my time, not in Hers; for She has no time. I created time so that I may find her, so that I may know her once again.  I remember calling Her name before I was born, once I was born, and now.  She blesses me with abundance, for it is Hers to give.  My heart blossoms in Her presence.  My mind aches with worry when I forget.  She takes care of me, She blesses me, She calls my name and sets me to task. I am Her slave, Her servant, Her son.

gregorysgardner.com

Coming Down the Mountain 12

Soon I will be leaving to speak to 30 women or more at the women’s correctional facility in Lynwood.  I don't ask them why they are there, but sometimes they want to talk about it.  There are so many laws on the books.  This country has 5% of the world’s population and 25% of the world's prisoners.  Most of these women are locked up for prostitution and drug use, and I won't go into the wrongfulness and uselessness behind this, in my mind it is implied.  There are women that are locked up for threatening or acting in a violent manner against the men in their lives, and in many cases it is a crime that these woman are the one's suffering for their men's behavior.  When I ask them if they would be in their predicament if drugs and alcohol were not an issue, very few of them would respond in an affirmative manner; that is why I go to them, to help show them a way out.  Sin is not an act against God, it is an act against ourselves and our human family.  I remind them that they may not be wrong, but they may be suffering, and that they can't get out of their prison alone.  It takes an act of courage; it takes an act of love, to ask for help, I can't make them want to recover and transform their lives.  It also takes acts of courage and love to offer help; that is something that each of us can to, to transform our own lives, while helping others.

gregorysgardner.com