Coming Down the Mountain 11

Yesterday was my natal opposite birthday, is what I shall call it.  Astrologically, it is when the Sun is furthest away in my chart from where it was when I was born.  The sun was at 27’ Leo when I came into this world; yesterday it hit 27’ Aquarius. For me this is a time when I am furthest from my home, my comfort zone.  I felt out of sorts all week.  Emotionally I just wanted to cry, and for no good reason, things are going so beautifully, all my dreams are coming true, each wish is being granted, and yet I have been a bit of a basket case. What is really surprising is that no one would know unless I told them.  My demeanor has been somewhat fragile, but sweet and consistent.  I have been walking through each task before me, and getting things done.  I have been suiting up and showing up, for my work, my friends, family and loved ones, and for myself.  I have not let these feelings get in the way of the facts that God is with me, that I have plenty to do, and that I can find joy in doing them.  Sometime we have to act as if, fake it till we make it, trust that God has our back, and move forward with our life.

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Coming Down the Mountain 10

Today I am called upon to look at the prejudice that I carry in my heart.  Not just contempt prior to investigation, which allows me to lazily pass judgment on people, places and things that perhaps I would like if I were not so lazy, but these people, causes or institutions that I believe I have investigated and found to be contemptible.  Even though I profess to love people of each nationality, and I do, I have stereotyped others, either in a joking manner, or in a very real accusation, in a manner that condemns. ( I am often harshest to the category of white males.)  Ever since reading the Mars/Venus books I like to look at women from one point of view and men from another.  Before I got sober, to say that I feared and disliked police people would be an understatement;  now that I work with them I have found them to be cool, kind, and loving, at least to me.  Perhaps this is because of their views of me, seeing me as a volunteer rather than a perpetrator can certainly change our interaction.  The fact is that they are people, with a job to do, with good days and bad days; yet I will then judge them for choosing the job that they have.  I am a liberal, so the enemy is the conservative?  That was exhausting.  My father and I spent years arguing violently about politics.  It was during the Bush v Gore, I want to say fiasco, but in the spirit of this column I will say election, that I laid down my guns and just stopped.  I told him that I was done, that I would never mention politics to him again.  For the most part that is what happened, and we got to spend our last ten years together talking about sports, and even though he liked the hated Giants, and I liked the Dodgers, we were able to enjoy these conversations, and each other.  When I feel myself separate from anyone or anything I am separating myself from God, and from love.  It is time for me to open myself up to the broader picture, God is either everything, or God is nothing.  I know that is a tough pill to swallow, but what else is there?

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Coming Down the Mountain 9

I longed for You

Yet Always

You Were Here

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Coming Down the Mountain 8

I like long, slow praying, praying that takes time; prayer that takes the place of time. I enjoying praying, meditating, chanting, yoga-ing, reading sacred scripture, and then praying some more.  Sometimes I pray for myself.  I have heard that we ought to pray only for knowledge of God’s will for us, and ask for the power to fulfill God’s will.  I love the Lord’s Prayer, it just feels perfect, if only it addressed our Father & Mother. I come into my own chanting the Mul Mantra.  I pray the rosary.  I adore Jewish prayer, Muslim prayer, Buddhist prayer, Hindi prayer, Wiccan and probably the ones that I haven’t prayed. I know that God speaks all of these languages. I pray for my needs, I pray for your needs, I pray for our needs. Sometimes I am not praying.  Always I am always praying.

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Coming Down the Mountain 7

As a child I was mortified, so fearful. I lived in a fantasy world, in movies, TV and comic books, to escape the reality that seemed so random and harsh.  I was in awe of adults, and their abilities, but not in a healthy way; I kept a distance from them and distrusted authority; perhaps because I saw a lot of belligerence, anger and some violence in my home.  I didn't trust most of the other kids, fearful of their cruelty, and they could smell it on me, the fear, like a cat smells a rat, and tortured me in return.  When I began drinking and smoking weed, all of these fears vanished, were vanquished, and I began to really enjoy and like who I was, and what I wanted to do.  Soon though, it became all about getting loaded, and the dreams fell to the wayside, and the fear returned, the fantasy world of drugs and alcohol took over, and once again I was lost in a cruel and lonely world, of my own making.  In sobriety my perception of the world changed.  I learned that people could change; I learned that I could change, that I continue to change, for the better, if I continue on this path that I have been so graced with. I remember the suffering because I want to recognize it, and when I do, to try and lend a hand to pull someone else out of the quicksand that was suffocating me. I cannot heal unless I heal.

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Coming Down the Mountain 6

Several years ago I was realizing that I needed to take on some extra income if I was going to get out of this tiny house in Venice and put my kids through college.  A friend gave me a book to read about under earning which proved to be helpful.  In this book there was an exercise to brainstorm, writing down 100 different ways that I could make money, without judgment, just to let go, stream of conscious, until the 100 was complete, so whatever came into my head went down on paper.  Some of these ideas were obviously not God’s will for me, like robbing the local bank, but they came to mind, and I wrote them down.  Then the process of elimination began, and I started halving the list until I got down to one item, to start a theatrical film distribution company.  The answer was so obvious, based on what I had already been doing, and the path my life had been following up until that point.  As soon as I began, and walked through the fear that comes up whenever we put ourselves out there, things started falling into place to make the company a small success.  I was getting green lights where ever I turned.  There are other times that I try something, and it just doesn’t feel right; as much as I want to make it work, I keep getting red lights, and finally realize that this just isn’t coming together for a reason, and I move on.  Then there are those yellow light, letting me know that staying on course is fine, as long as I am patient, take my time to gather all that I need for my journey, and proceed with guidance. My life is unfolding in a beautiful way as I leave myself open to the amazing opportunities, and valuable lessons, that lay before me.

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Coming Down the Mountain 5

They say that we cannot see God, but we can, for everything that we see is God, it is all God, and we are one in God.  It is the people in my life that I truly most recognize God.  Some see God in the ocean, in the mountains, in their favorite pet; yet people, who are said to be created in the image of God, people, the most complicated and biologically useless beings in creation, are my direct line to God.  I love people so much, my family, my friends, the people that I meet once, and the people that I meet every day.  I sit back in wonder just looking at my friends.  I soak them in, my heart fills with joy and love.  Sometime I just can’t believe that these beautiful people are standing before me, smiling at me, sharing with me, loving me, the way that only God can love.  I do see God, am with God, I experience God when I am with you.  I love you so much.  Thank you for allowing me to experience God’s grace through you.

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