As a child I was mortified, so fearful. I lived in a fantasy world, in movies, TV and comic books, to escape the reality that seemed so random and harsh. I was in awe of adults, and their abilities, but not in a healthy way; I kept a distance from them and distrusted authority; perhaps because I saw a lot of belligerence, anger and some violence in my home. I didn't trust most of the other kids, fearful of their cruelty, and they could smell it on me, the fear, like a cat smells a rat, and tortured me in return. When I began drinking and smoking weed, all of these fears vanished, were vanquished, and I began to really enjoy and like who I was, and what I wanted to do. Soon though, it became all about getting loaded, and the dreams fell to the wayside, and the fear returned, the fantasy world of drugs and alcohol took over, and once again I was lost in a cruel and lonely world, of my own making. In sobriety my perception of the world changed. I learned that people could change; I learned that I could change, that I continue to change, for the better, if I continue on this path that I have been so graced with. I remember the suffering because I want to recognize it, and when I do, to try and lend a hand to pull someone else out of the quicksand that was suffocating me. I cannot heal unless I heal.
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