24 Had 3.19.12

I am not completely proud of all the things that I have done.  Each day it seems that there is that something something that I say, something that I do, that I wish I had not.  I am able to justify it at the time, perhaps for weeks at a time, but when I get clear, there it is, looking at me and telling me that I can do better.  When I made amends to my father, it was just a look across the room when I told him that I apologized for everything that I had done to hurt him.  Inside of me I was still thinking about the things that he had done to hurt me. He just looked at me and said that he was sorry that I had been hurting myself, much more than I had hurt him.  He meant it.  He was one that would stay up all night in bed worrying about me.  He was genuinely sorry about how badly I had treated his only son.  Many of us believe that God is like that.  Not judging us, just sharing in our pain.  When I pray to have my shortcomings removed, it is not to please “Him”, it is not so that I become a saint; it is so that We may live in loving harmony, at peace with ourselves and one another.

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24 Had 3.16.12

I have an earning job, or jobs, and I enjoy the work that I do, but that could be all gone tomorrow.  My Job, though, I have earned, and will have for the rest of my life.  I adore my earning jobs, and I do them well, but I am not attached to them. The Job is what is important to me is the Work that I do to bring myself closer to divine Love and Spirit; to elevate my Brothers and Sisters, Mothers, Fathers and Children, and to allow them to teach me.  That includes everyone that I know, and everyone that I have never met.  There is probably less than 6 degrees of separation today.  With the internet linking us all together, is feels like there are only three.  The things that I say and do, and even feel, have a ripple effect.  Perhaps the butterfly wing does affect the existence of the hurricane.  The Work that I do must have meaning.  It must have purpose.  It must serve the common good.  The Good Lord pays the mortgage, I show up to serve.

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Coming Down the Mountain 30

We all have our crosses to bare.  The cross is a structure of right angles, which, in astrology, represents a challenge.  It is two opposing forces coming together to create a structure, one aligning horizontally, and one vertically.  One plane defines the earthly horizon, one the journey from the ground to the heavens; and that is so much of the struggle, to do that which keeps us earthbound, or that which elevates us into the more spiritual dimensions.  When I was drinking and smoking pot, I was actually seeking a spiritual solution to my earthly problems.  I felt as if I were closer to God, the higher I got.  They don’t call them spirits for nothing.  In getting loaded I was running away from my responsibilities to myself, my family, my work, etc.  Every time I lit a joint I was communing with the divine, Jah Rastafari.  Nothing wrong with that, but I was doing it alcoholically, everyday all day.  The spiritual solution that I embrace today, prayer, yoga, meditation and praise keeps me grounded, yet God centered.  It is truly the best of both worlds.  I am able to take care of myself, my family, my work and my life, quite well, mind you, and being just totally blissed out, at times.  When there are problems to overcome, I seek out the solutions, and they come, in time; I don’t stress over how that is going to look, because you see, it’s all in God’s hands.  I am just here to do that which is set before me, like Casey Kasem always says at the end of his broadcast "Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars."

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Coming Down the Mountain 29

The class that I teach is called Kundalini Yoga and the Tools for Recovery & Transformation, that is because I teach Kundalini Yoga and Meditation as a system of awareness and growth so that we can overcome life’s struggles and addictions to substances, people, unhealthy thought patterns.  Addiction is a powerful force that binds and overwhelms so many of us.  Rather than asking you if you are an addict, perhaps a more appropriate question is “what is it that you are addicted to?”  What is creating an unhealthy balance in your life?  I have to ask this question to myself each and every day, because I know that just because I have put down the bottle and the pipe does not mean that this disease, a shape shifter, won’t appear on a daily basis in the form of something or someone else.  I won’t go into the possibilities, they are endless.  The next question that I have to ask is “what am I doing about it?”  In my class the focus is on the 3^rd and the 11^th Step, yet all of the Steps are points of discussion, as are the various remedies that are prescribed in many of the 12 Step programs.  I teach Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan, who brought this practice to the West because he saw how drugs, alcohol, and life itself was overwhelming us, and wanted to offer a transformative solution, and at the expense of everything that he had, he did.  In program we learn to give our will and our lives over to our higher power, which can also mean, to our higher purpose.

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Coming Down the Mountain 28

I had another one of those dreams last night where I was stuck in the airport and could not get on the flight, this one bound for Berlin, because the customs personnel made me lay my credit cards out on the conveyor belt and they rolled inside of the machine. I made them tear apart the device, but they could not find the cards, and once again, I missed my flight.  I was flying out of London, I seem to be in London a lot in my dreams lately, and there is always an airport, and I am always missing the flight, stuck in the airport, on the way out of the dream.  I do feel most alive when I am travelling overseas.  These dreams seem to be telling me that I am not fulfilling my soul’s desire; that I am ready to go, but that something is holding me back.  I am there at the airport, but I can’t seem to get onto the plane.  Perhaps that can also be seen in a spiritual sense. I am meditating, but do not feel as if I am getting up there in that transcendent sky.  One of these days I will get on that plane and it will fly away, if I keep showing up to the airport.

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Sometimes “shoulds” get in the way of my life.  My mind tells me what I should think.  That is my mind, thinking, about what it should think.  That gets a little crazy.  How about how I should feel?  The question is always, how do I feel about this, that or the other.  The answer is not in the question.  How I should feel is a statement, it instigates a pre-approved answer.  It tells me who I should and should not be, based on concepts, usually belonging to others. If my behavior is morally acceptable to me, it is because I have a conscience, that small still voice within that lets me know if I am off in any way, or right on; not because I have bought in to someone else’s opinion.  I often value the opinion of others, but it is in letting their opinions become my “should” that leads to confusion as to whose life am I really leading, mine or yours.

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Coming Down the Mountain 26

I came home to an empty house last evening, first time in a while.  The kids were out on the town and Brooks is heading back East, so it was just me.  I have noticed that being alone can trigger feelings of emptiness for me.  A lot of people love being alone, and I’m not talking about unhealthy isolation, rather, spending time pampering themselves, without having to interact, just to be. I have always avoided this, and when the occasion occurs I begin to look for distractions.  This is not a conscious decision, because I know that I enjoy alone time, it is relaxing, self-satisfying; but there is a part of me that wants to run away from myself, the part of me that tells me that I am not enough, that I am not whole, that I am not One.  So I had the bath and the book and the computer TV and the food and it was just lovely.  Take away those items and I might just jump right out of my skin.  I had set aside a meditation to do last night, how perfect would that have been?  Didn’t even cross my mind.  The fears and the stress that comes up from whatever abandonment issues that are embedded in me are not resolved over night, but slowly, and with certainty, they are being washed away as I learn to love me and to be.

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